religion and a higher power

I think the scariest part of growing up has to be when you have to create your own opinion. I grew up Catholic, and deeply believed in the church. My world truly started to crash down in middle school when I started to understand my own sexuality. Having "someone" you trust undoubtedly tell you that your wrong for something you cannot change is a feeling I don't wish on anyone. I still believe in a higher power, however. Many people who have religious trauma, especially those who were very deep in their belief, don't believe in anything, and more specifically a god as we think of it, either to aid with their healing or otherwise (in my experience at least). I'm sharing my beliefs in the hope that it will prompt someone to think about what they truly believe through their individual thought. My boyfriend is strictly Mennonite, which is totally okay! The happiness he gets from his deep belief and from interacting with his church is absolutely beautiful, and promotes a healthy religious life. He has thought about what he believes in deep thought, and luckily, he grew up in an organization that aligns with his moral code. Here is what I believe as of now, and I fully acknowledge that this will change as I learn more about the world:

I believe in a higher power. I believe that "God" is Mother Nature. It makes sense to me that She would have given birth to the universe; it's uniquely and beautifully human, but also a miracle in and of itself. So, I believe that birthgivers (any person who chooses to create life), because they share this process with our creator, are special, and the process of pregnancy is sacred of sorts as well. This ties into my opinion of not having children and why abortion is okay. I am not worthy of bringing another human being into this world, and this world is not a good place for a new human to be. She is our driving force in day to day life; She is the reason the sun rises and falls. However, She doesn't have control over us and our futures which is TERRIFYING. What was nice about believing in a Christian God was knowing that my plan was set for me. But this idea presents one question, "If God is in control of everything, and He is as merciful as we are told, why do bad things happen in the world, especially to good people?" Mother Nature created, for instance, cancer, but She doesn't choose to bestow it upon one given person. Why did She create cancer? I'm not really sure, but I do know that my vision of Her is a lot closer to humans than Christian God; She has emotions other than peace and happiness, She can get angry and sad and scared too, which in a way, is comforting to know. In Catholicism, there is "the fear of God", which I always hated. I understood that it was supposed to be a fear of disappointing Him, but it still always rubbed me the wrong way. It promotes shame and an idea that not everyone is worthy of God's love. It's comforting to know that I am relatable to Her. I don't have to be ashamed because of my depression, because of my lust, because of my human things, because She understands and can forgive me. Now, of course I don't purposefully want to outright encourage these things (there's a balance, which is another one of Her driving forces of the universe), She's still a god and wayyyy better than humans, but experiencing inherently human things isn't bad. TL;DR, puberty and sex isn't taboo with Mother Nature.

I believe that we have two parts that make us up, our soul, and our energy. Our soul is uniquely us, it is our likes, our dislikes, our talents, and will never exist again on the mortal plane. Our souls go into the afterlife. NOW, I certainly have no idea what the afterlife looks like, Heaven sounds awesome so I hope that's what it is. I have always been a logical person when it comes to religion. Just "having faith" doesn't make a lot of sense to me, personally. However, the Law of Conservation of Energy states that energy cannot be created or destroyed. In a sense, I believe that our very essence of living has been recycled since the beginning of time. This is where the idea of past lives comes from; how sometimes we have birthmarks or memories or coincidences that are residues of our pasts. Me? I think this is my energy's first time being a human, as I have so much to learn, and need to follow my dreams and change the world, I'm not quite sick of human life yet. ;) Because I believe in energy in a general sense, I believe in using crystals to promote different effects and uses of our energies - this is also backed by science. Clear quartz are put it watches as they maintain an incredibly precise frequency currently unobtainable by human technology that helps the watches stay on time forever (Mother Nature is THAT COOL). I also believe in prescences - energy that haven't found their next life or souls that haven't found the afterlife yet. This is something I have yet to explore. Some of my questions are, "How do I tell the difference? Are they all good or are some of them bad? Can I communicate or promote specific presences?" I don't believe in supernatural ghosts in the way we see them in movies, but I thiiiiink I believe in demons? Like I said, I still have LOTS of thinking to do.

I believe that Jesus existed. This is where people ask a lot of questions about how I came to this belief. I think miracles exist, so to me, it makes sense that Mother Nature would send a messenger of sorts to Earth....several times. I also believe in Buddha, Muhammad, and all miracle workers. Is it so crazy to think that Jesus wasn't the only person to create miracles? Birthgivers create life on a whim! That's a miracle to me, and it happens every day. I believe Jesus was a very smart and spiritually gifted man, but he was still a human. He made mistakes, and so did every prophet to walk our Earth. How do I know who's a prophet or not? Well, that's another thing I don't know. For now, I've been going solely off of ~vibes~ but you cannot take any written scripture without a grain of salt (they have been translated and rehashed so many times), so my system is definitely flawed.

I believe that nature and balance are our driving forces. Striving to honor Mother Nature by obtaining balance and trying to be an all round good person and Earth-loving person is basically all you need in my opinion. In Catholicism, there are so many steps in order to get to "Heaven". You can mess up so easily, it feels like walking on eggshells. Mother Nature isn't perfect. So, She doesn't expect you to be either. She actually encourages you to give in to Her intoxications, to sleep in late sometimes, to eat bad yummy foods, to lust after one another. But, she also encourages balance. You can have too much of a good thing, and for sure too much of a bad thing. I also believe in chakras in aiding your balance. This is another place I am a bit at a loss for answers, but I hopefully will figure it out. Along with balance, basically just, be a good person. If you are a good soul truthfully, you shouldn't worry about every step you take. You need to follow your instincts and your soul will get into a good and rewarding afterlife, although note that I didn't mention this rewarding afterlife is a driving force of life. If you give money to a person without housing, but then scream from the rooftops you did a good thing, you are not doing it out of the kindness of your heart, but rather your own selfishness for reward. The same applies to the idea of a "good" and "bad" afterlife. If you are doing good things simply to get into "Heaven" rather than true sympathy for another human (equal), it will be difficult to get into that "Heaven". If you want a couple extra brownie points, help the Earth! I have always felt an extreme calling to be an activist of all types. I help the society of Earth by speaking my opinions and experiences, and I help the physical Earth by taking action about pollution, energy usage, preservation of life, and better ways of consuming food (side note, vegans and vegetarians, you rock). I have a sense of comfort when it comes to this grounding in nature. Animals, plants, and all other types of living things don't conform to any type of exclusive sexuality or gender, so whichever I feel properly describes me is valid. Plus, I don't even have to provide a label if I don't want to because, well, I'm also a part of nature, Mother Nature's most special animal.

Thank you if you took the time to read that. Like I said, I have much to learn, but I hope this can prompt some fellow open-minded-thinkers just ~perceive~ the world a little bit more. I also hope this helps people who also are struggling with religious trauma. Approaching my beliefs through individual thought rather than organization has been incredibly healthy for me, and I recommend it for anyone who every feels a little trapped in their religion. Most importantly, remember, nobody really knows what happens when we die or where we come from.